Stupid Weight Loss Tips

Tip #1:

Cut up carrots and celery and keep them in your fridge.  Easy access = better choices.

Trust me: a Tupperware filled with veggies isn’t that appealing, even if it is grab-and-go.  The fact that you have bitter green sticks of death sitting in your fridge doesn’t make that (entire) block of sharp cheddar any less appealing.

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Tip #2:

Don’t eat after x O’clock. 

But what if I get hungry?  I’m just supposed to go to bed with an empty stomach, then wake up ravenous and eat 4 slices of leftover pizza (<< lol, leftover pizza… what’s that?) for breakfast because I was so hungry I literally couldn’t think straight enough to make a normal breakfast?  Not that pizza for breakfast is a bad thing, but still…

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Tip #3:

Don’t keep any junk food in your house! 

I kind of get this, but a) you can overeat “healthy” things too and b) god forbid I start PMSing and all I have to eat is stupid pre-cut vegetables. Seriously, for the sake of those around me, god forbid.

Tip #4:

Don’t order salads at restaurants, they have omg soo many calories.  

Yeah well guess what?  I bet the burger, the pizza (or “baked flatbread”, if you’re somewhere fancy) and French fries do too.  Order whatever the hell sounds good, even if that’s a salad with creamy (read: delicious) dressing on top of it.  Eat until you’re full.  Or hell, eat the whole damn thing and then dessert.  Whatever.

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Tip #5:

Park at the back of the parking lot and take the stairs. 

This is a really nice idea in theory, but most people are freaking busy and are constantly running from place to place.  Who has time to park as far away as possible and then mosey on in?  Instead, find something active you enjoy, and then do it.  Imagine that.

Tip #6:

Drink water.

Drinking water is important and wonderful.  But I used to mask my hunger by chugging water bottles until I felt sick, which isn’t wonderful.  Don’t do that.

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Tip #7:

Chew gum.

Ugh, don’t chew gum so you can trick yourself into thinking you’re eating. The only time you’re allowed to use gum to replace meal is if it’s Willy Wonka meal gum, although if you remember how Violet Beauregard ended up, you’ll know that that’s probably a really ineffective way to slim down. (“Violet!  You’re turning violet, Violet!)

IN THE COMMENTS:

Which common weight loss tips drive you the most crazy?  

Comments

  1. I agree with your tips for sure!!! I also would add basically just the “eat less, workout more” mindset and also people that cut out ENTIRE food groups or have extreme dietary restrictions just for weight loss. Like becoming vegetarian/vegan, paleo, dairy-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, calorie-free, fun-free, happiness-free…it is all just stupid in my book. People that go way too extreme or have extreme restrictions on what they can eat basically drives me nuts, especially since a lot of times those people will try to convince you of their “magical” way of eating. I feel like just having a balanced diet with a moderate approach to food gives people the most success in the long run.

  2. Oh yes, the tips!! Horrible.
    I like that one: Try to fast for at least 12 hours overnight. TWELVE. Or maybe even fourteen?! By the time I get food, I bitched everyone out of my house and probably crushed plates and glasses cause of hangriness.
    BTW, cold Lasagna for breakfast is awesome. Well, yeah, if there ARE leftovers.

  3. My least favorite is “fat makes you fat” or, eve, “carbs make you fat”.
    First of all, you are not fat… you have fat.
    Second of all, neither macro makes you “fat”, but a myriad of other factos come into play in terms of your amount of fat stores.

    I also get discouraged when people tell me they’re on a 1200-1400 calorie diet and expect me to applaud them.

    Ain’t happenin’ b

  4. Argh I hate the “dont eat after X o clock” I’ve abandoned that one. I also used to use gum and water to mask hunger. Eeek.

  5. Ugh, the don’t eat after x o’clock rule drives me INSANE. There is nothing wrong with eating at night…and it’s actually a good thing if you’re trying to build or maintain muscle! I refuse to go to bed hungry, because then I’ll wake up starving at 3 am. Not fun.

  6. LOL to all of these. The one that gets me the most is “don’t eat over 1500 calories a day” …really people…really? feed your body!

  7. I really hate the “don’t eat after x o’clock” rule. I used to go to bed super hungry. Also, I used to drink so much tea to try to avoid admitting hunger – just because I wouldn’t eat past 7.

  8. I hate the “don’t eat after x:xx ” I used to believe it, but it just made me miserable. A calorie is a calorie. And sometimes, I just want the food at night!

  9. I hate don’t eat after xxx. Sometimes I don’t get home until 8 or 9 and that’s when I have to eat dinner! Also I hate the “don’t order a salad”. I love salad. I can ask for dressing on the side if I’m trying to watch calories.

  10. I used to watch The Biggest Loser and Bob Harper would do a little commercial within the show with the contestants- telling them when they are craving desert, just chew some sugar free gum in fun flavors… apple pie, key lime pie, watermelon. I am sure you are laughing at the absurdity.

  11. Good ones! I hate that there are so many awful tips out there that all these poor souls are counting on for weight loss. (myself included) After reading countless articles and blogs and magazines and books at this point, I’m pretty sure I’ve found a counterpoint to EVERY tip out there. Chew gum, don’t chew gum, eat 6 meals a day, no..just eat when you’re hungry OMG WILL IT EVER END? I’m sure there’s some truth to some of them but they aren’t so black and white. Like I think drinking water is a good tip, but I’m saying instead of drinking six sodas a day, try to transition to water. Drinking water in place of food is definitely not good!

  12. You missed my absolute favourite! Put a few loooooong pieces of masking tape across the door to your kitchen so you’ll be less likely to go in and start snacking. Because tape makes the kitchen an impenetrable fortress.

  13. calorie counting. When I know I need to limit my calories, it feels so restrictive that I freak out and eat ALL THE CALORIES. And portion control. Doesn’t work for me. If I’m eating something that tastes good, I eat however much of it I want because why wouldn’t I? I’m sure portion control helps you lose weight and all, but for me it’s unrealistic.

  14. Love your hilarious posts. I would like some Willy Wonka gum because that would just be the best snacking on the go, and I also do not know what leftover pizza is……!?

  15. When I didn’t keep any junk food in my house, and I REALLY wanted something sweet or salty or junky at all, I’d end up going out and buying ALL the junk and eating all of it. (Aka, bingeing.) I now usually keep some form of chips, chocolate/candy, ice cream, and a pretty impressive collection of other sweet things in my house so that when I want some, I can take some, and not go completely overboard. Or sometimes I’ll go completely overboard anyway because everything’s delicious.

  16. The wait 20 minutes after you eat to decide if you really want more… it drives me crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is pretty sound advice if you are prone to overeat, compulsively eat and emotionally eat *raises hand* so I actually employ it all the time.

    But it drives me CRAZY because usually I just spend the next 20 minutes “waiting to eat” LOL. All I am thinking about is more food. So not very helpful for me! I know you are supposed to divcert your attention but for some reason having to wait 20 minutes makes me pay attention more.

    I di not understand people who can create pizza leftovers. They must hang out with the people who don’t eat the crusts. What is up with that??

  17. This lady has no problem eating pizza… Usually three slices… After x and x amount. If I’m hungry, I’ll eat. People just need to listen to themselves and not social media. Seriously, what’s so hard about that?!!

  18. I can’t stand the “Carbs are bad for you” one, “Don’t eat after 6 o’clock,” “fat makes your fat,” blah blah blah.

  19. Chewing gum is the WORST thing to do for weight loss. Other than the fun reason you included, it makes your body think you’re eating and then your stomach produces acid and basically digests itself. Fun times. When I started eating intuitively, I lost about 10 lbs. I started eating burgers again, I quit busting my ass at the gym and started walking to work instead. So that’s my best weight loss tip for everybody: eat whatever the fuck you want and find something you like to do and do that. Win.

  20. Well, now I want pizza ;) And let’s see, my least favorite weight loss tip is anything incredibly restrictive. If I lived like that, I would have no friends. Like my dogs would not even want to be friends with me. Hangriness never looks good.

  21. The don’t eat after X oclock is the single worst piece of “advice” evaaaaa

  22. The ‘you can have a little’ tip.
    It just doesn’t work for me. And I never get why other people think they know what I can and cannot have. I am prone to overeating so I cannot have just one oreo. I also have type 2 diabetes so I shouldn’t have any Oreos. Anyway a big pet peeve of mine is when I’m with friends and have had a good meal and dessert time comes. I usually say no thank you. Sometimes I’ll get a ‘you can have a little, just don’t go overboard’. Some people get kind of pushy and I get annoyed feeling I have to explain my health issues. I know people just like to share yummy food experiences but we are all different.
    Loved this post and all the comments.
    Big supporter of eat what you want and find something you like to do :-)
    Happiness is the goal for me.
    I’m glad you’re figuring this out at such a young age. Thank you for sharing your experiences!

  23. All of these…and any kind of ‘cleanse’! That’s why we have kidneys!!

  24. Ha, no kidding!

    “Use a smaller plate so you eat less!” Um, no. Now my food just falls all over the place and I go back for seconds anyway.

  25. Bahahahahah I love the cut up veggies one, it is SO TRUE. I did that and then I had to throw them all out because I never ate them. Cut up veggies in water is NOT appetizing.

  26. Jake Schu says:

    I LOVE PIZZA

  27. The ones that make me the most crazy are 1) Only eat egg whites because the yolks are so fatty (and oh my god, contain all the nutrients too and an egg is only like 60 something calories anyway, are you kidding me?!) and 2) let’s add protein powder to everything to keep me fuller longer. I’d suggest just eating an egg, the whole damn thing.
    Oops, I think I got all kinds of carried away there. Oh well. If anyone will forgive me, I’m sure it’s you.

  28. caileejoy says:

    AHHH!! I love this post!! So funny… yet so true! I agree, especially about the not eating late at night… you’ll just wake up starving!! Also, another diet/ health/ weight loss tip that I dislike immensely is restricting dessert/ bread/ sweets/ tasty food!! Don’t cut out your faves! Just limit your calories/ portion sizes and be more active. Sensible weight loss takes time!

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