Inner Bitch vs. Inner Narcissist

I can be a real asshole sometimes…

…Rarely to others, sometimes to inanimate objects (cough my computer cough), but pretty often to myself.

I mean, I’m a hell of a lot nicer to myself than I used to be.  I used to be a Super Bitch, like, 90% of the time.  You would’ve cringed to hear the things I said to myself…

Damn, Muffin Top, what’ve you been eating lately?! 

Oh, you did well on that test?  You got lucky. 

Oh, you fucked up that test big time?  IDIOT!

Hands out of the peanut butter jar, fatty. 


Your hair is lookin’ hella ratchet today.  Have you been washing it with french fry grease lately?  So becoming… (<< My inner bitch is very sarcastic.  No idea where she gets it.) 

People would like you more if you were skinnier/prettier/more fun.  GET ON IT! 


It’s easy to let that Inner Bitch take hold.  He or she is one sassy mofo.   We have to be real proactive to shut up that side of us.


I’ve found that the easiest way to slap the metaphorical duct tape over your Inner Bitch’s mouth is to let your Inner Narcissist take a whack at it…

Dayum gurl, your booty be lookin’ fiiiine today!

Omg Carly, you’re seriously the coolest person ever.  Everything you say is cool.  Everything you do is cool.  I’m gonna start calling you COOLy.  Keep it up.

Great job reading your psychology textbook!  Who cares if you only made it two pages?!  You deserve a break… Go get yourself a snack. (<< My Inner Narcissist is an enabler.  Again, no idea where she gets it.)

You have so many friends and everyone you meet loves you!  GO YOU!

Car, you’re literally a genius.  You constantly amaze me with your vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom.  HOLY SHIT!!!!!  See?  That was me getting amazed right there. 

Okay, so maybe my Inner Narcissist is a bit (totally) out of touch with reality, but she balances out the Inner Bitch.  She helps shut her up and then I’m able to tone Miss Narcissist down a bit.


Moral of the story?  Say nice things to yourself.  Be kind.  Be outrageous.  Be ridiculous.  Let your Inner Narcissist run free; I promise your rational self will be able to rein her in (<< most days, at least).


It works for us.

And by “us” I mean my Inner Bitch, my Inner Narcissist, and me.

We’re like one big dysfunctional happy family.


Do you have an Inner Bitch?  What kind of crap does she usually say?  How do you shut her up?


  1. Can guys have an inner bitch? My one’s called Carly. I try to shut her up but she twerks right out of my head.

  2. I do have an inner bitch. She comes out when I’m hungry, so I try not to get too hungry hehehe. It’s amazing the way we talk to ourselves sometimes. We’d never dream of talking to our friends that way yet we’re fine dissing ourselves.

  3. This is awesome. I’m my own toughest critic!

  4. Haha I love your approach to balancing out the inner bitch 😉 nothing wrong with a bit of narcissism!

  5. My bitch is a lot less bitchy than she used to be, but she can definitely still be a pain in the ass. I like to shut her up with some chocolate and wine 😉

  6. Ah yes, the inner bitch. She is usually comes around when I’m going through a rough patch so I like to keep her in line with lots of yoga and overly positive (read: narcissist) thoughts 😉

  7. My inner bitch can get cray cray on me. It’s so effing annoying. (I call it my shoulder devil though, inspired by the Emperors New Groove: I usually let my shoulder devil battle my shoulder angel, and they duke it out above my head while I look at pics of cats on instagram.

  8. I’m gonna start calling you COOLy now hahah I died. I love that. I do have an inner bitch, but then I just remind her I’m fabulous and she can’t deny that.

  9. Practicing this right now and about to go compliment my butt…

  10. I have never commented before but I really really love this post. We are our own worst enemies and worst critics!

  11. Ha! Love this Carly! My inner bitch likes to scream at me, but I try to shut her up with a healthy dose of truth.

  12. So I think I might only have the inner narcssist voice. Is that wrong? I do have the crazy voice as well or the kitchen dance party voice or the day drinking is fun voice, but I really don’t have the self-hating bitch voice because I’m awesome. See narcissist voice right there. It’s rough being me. 😉

  13. I think my inner bitch has probably gotten a lot better, but I do have my days. And most of the time, I just have to do the cheesy/cliche positive thinking. It sounds odd, but the simplicity of it actually works. Crazy how positive you can make your life when you make yourself aware of trying to find those silver linings.

  14. My inner bitch is one cruel mother. And when she invites herself over, it’s almost impossible to get rid of her! I had a really rough week last week and before I knew it, she was waltzing through the door in her 6inch red stilettos working her heal into my side: “Why did you eat that? Why did you eat SO MUCH of that? You know you don’t NEED those sweets. You’re just gonna end up bingeing. Well look, you’ve already overdone it now, might as well eat everything in sight, ya fatty.” Needless to say, it took a lonnnnnnnng hard talk with myself (and a friend) to finally get up the strength to kick her ass to the curb. I’m still recovering right now so I haven’t found my inner narcissist yet, but I know she’s hiding around here somewhere. Damn I miss her! Hopefully some time with the besties this weekend will help pull her out! We’re going to a wine tasting festival so hey, if all else fails, my inner alcoholic is always entertaining! 😉

  15. Why are we so mean to ourselves?? It’s hard to get out of the bitch when she starts nagging, but thank goodness I am becoming better friends with my inner narcisist! Entertaining post with a great message, friend!!


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