I can be a real asshole sometimes…
…Rarely to others, sometimes to inanimate objects (cough my computer cough), but pretty often to myself.
I mean, I’m a hell of a lot nicer to myself than I used to be. I used to be a Super Bitch, like, 90% of the time. You would’ve cringed to hear the things I said to myself…
Damn, Muffin Top, what’ve you been eating lately?!
Oh, you did well on that test? You got lucky.
Oh, you fucked up that test big time? IDIOT!
Hands out of the peanut butter jar, fatty.
YOU ARE DISGUSTING.
Your hair is lookin’ hella ratchet today. Have you been washing it with french fry grease lately? So becoming… (<< My inner bitch is very sarcastic. No idea where she gets it.)
People would like you more if you were skinnier/prettier/more fun. GET ON IT!
It’s easy to let that Inner Bitch take hold. He or she is one sassy mofo. We have to be real proactive to shut up that side of us.
I’ve found that the easiest way to slap the metaphorical duct tape over your Inner Bitch’s mouth is to let your Inner Narcissist take a whack at it…
Dayum gurl, your booty be lookin’ fiiiine today!
Omg Carly, you’re seriously the coolest person ever. Everything you say is cool. Everything you do is cool. I’m gonna start calling you COOLy. Keep it up.
Great job reading your psychology textbook! Who cares if you only made it two pages?! You deserve a break… Go get yourself a snack. (<< My Inner Narcissist is an enabler. Again, no idea where she gets it.)
You have so many friends and everyone you meet loves you! GO YOU!
Car, you’re literally a genius. You constantly amaze me with your vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom. HOLY SHIT!!!!! See? That was me getting amazed right there.
Okay, so maybe my Inner Narcissist is a bit (totally) out of touch with reality, but she balances out the Inner Bitch. She helps shut her up and then I’m able to tone Miss Narcissist down a bit.
Moral of the story? Say nice things to yourself. Be kind. Be outrageous. Be ridiculous. Let your Inner Narcissist run free; I promise your rational self will be able to rein her in (<< most days, at least).
It works for us.
And by “us” I mean my Inner Bitch, my Inner Narcissist, and me.
We’re like one big dysfunctional happy family.
IN THE COMMENTS:
Do you have an Inner Bitch? What kind of crap does she usually say? How do you shut her up?