It’s no secret that we live in a body-obsessed culture. Driving along the highway, it isn’t unusual to see a pair of ginormous ta-tas staring down at you from a billboard, attached to a freakishly petite, airbrushed woman. The billboard is probably advertising, like, Chia Pets or something, but it doesn’t matter, because we’re a culture that likes looking at boobies and booties and other peoples’ stomachs. It’s kind of weird. Although, I get it: boobs are fun.
But lately, I’ve noticed that our culture is especially obsessed with body type. There are the athletic body types, and the slender ones. There’s the pear-shaped, apple-shaped, and the banana shaped (<< oh wait no, that’s penises I’m thinking of). You can be branded as petite, long-torsoed, curvy, skinny, fat. You can be strong, muscular, or boy-shaped.
It’s all very Mean Girls. (“My nailbeds suck.”)
First of all, I want to address the particular absurdity of the “athletic” body type and the “boy-shaped” body type. Neither “athletic” nor “boy” is a body type. Athleticsm is a way of living and being. Any person of any shape can be athletic. And “boy-shaped?” Seriously? I see this category in fashion magazines all the time, and it pisses me off. It’s possible that I missed this day of kindergarten, but I’m pretty sure that “boy” is not a shape. If you identify as a woman, you’re woman-shaped. There ya go. Boom.
The body type obsession has also spawned some heated rivalries. Rivalries between different body types. You guys, are you hearing this? Rivalries between different body types. How stupid is that? It’s just… What? What?! A few of my favorites (sarcasm) are:
1. Real Men Like Curvy Women
Omg, so people who happen to like not-as-curvy females are holograms? Sooo neat! Do the holograms require food? Do they poop? Do they need sleep? I have lots of questions about these imaginary guys or gals who are into the non-curvy set of women. Fascinating.
2. Strong is the New Skinny
Strong isn’t the new anything. Strong is great and totally sexy. But it’s just muscles, m’dears. Your six-pack doesn’t make the “skinny” girl any less sexy. Sorry ’bout it.
3. Curvy is a Euphemism for Fat
And “respectfully keep your opinions to yourself” is a euphamism for “SHUT THE HELL UP, YA DOUCHEFACE.” See? I can be an a-hole too.
I don’t think it’s wrong to acknowledge that your body is shaped a certain way. Clearly, I’m a curvy (or is it fat?) girl. But that doesn’t make me part of some weird curvy tribe, where we all swing our funbags around and knock shit over with our asses. And try to pull skinny jeans up our voluptuous thighs. And sing tribal songs about how effing expensive the “big” bras are. Oh, and of course talk about how all y’all skinny bee-otches are just masquerading as real women, unlike us, the true Uterine Rulers.
Also, I doubt that we’d wear bras in this tribe. Yeah, bras would definitely be boycotted.
Your body type doesn’t make you part of a group. So let’s stop hatin’ on each other, okay? We’re all way too busy and intelligent for that nonsense. Let’s stop it with the “fitspo” that shames other people. Let’s stop judging our own body types, or aspiring to be part of another body type “group.” ’Cause you hella fine just the way you are. Fo’ real.
Do we have a deal?
P.S. If you guys want to form a tribe of sexy ladies and gents, I’m so in. All body types welcome. (But I’m still going to boycott bras.)
IN THE COMMENTS:
Have you ever noticed “body type” shame? Have you ever wished you had a different body type?
All my men out there, I’d love to hear a guy’s perspective on this — do you feel body type pressure from the media?