Once upon a time, there was a green leaf named Kale.
On the outside, Kale was all tough and and nobody liked him because he tasted like dirt. On the inside though, he, uh… Nope, he was still tough and tasted like dirt. Kale always used to hang out in the grocery store with his friends Carrot, Peach, and Kiwi. Except they didn’t really like him because he was gross and ugly, so they talked shit behind his back and wrote mean things about him in their burn book (“OMG, Kale is such a fugly slore”).
Since grocery stores are basically orphanages for produce, Kale got pretty freaking depressed whenever his friends got purchased. Every night, he sat sad and lonely under the dim lights , whining about his life with Brussels Sprouts, who was also dirty and nasty.
Kale lived a sad, lonely life. Even when the rare hippie grocery shopper would pick Kale up, he’d end up dying a sad death in the crisper drawer. RIP Kale.
This all changed a few years ago, when Gwyneth Paltrow or Kate Moss or someone else famous and healthy decided that Kale was, in fact, a sexy food. And since we’re all lemmings jumping off the cliff, we started eating Kale too. Because if we eat Kale, we too will be sexy and healthy and rich and blonde and glorious.
Wait. I’m already all of those things. Give or take a few. But regardless, everyone started eating the leafy green roughage because it makes us cool.
And then Kale lived happily ever after in our mouths.
Oh my. That was bad. I’m not really much of a storyteller. (Unless I’m telling a story about myself, because duh.)
I am, however, quite the kale-whisperer. I have this obsession with the Trader Joe’s Kale and Broccoli Slaw Salad. My friends Katrina and Shaida (hi) turned me onto it and I finally got the motivation to make my own. Holy Goleta (< that’s the city where I work), this was gooood. Soooo good. Like, it tasted identical to the real salad, only better because I made it with love (and extra sunflower seeds).
So, you should make this and eat it. Gwyneth would do it. And it’ll make you sexy.
Copycat Kale and Broccoli Slaw Salad
Serves 4 very hungry, vegetable loving people. Serves 6 vegetable-avoiders.
5 cups chopped kale — you want it chopped pretty finely to avoid the toughness that kale can have
2 cups shredded green cabbage
3 cups broccoli slaw
1/2 red onion, sliced thinly
1 cup chopped chicken breast
1/2 cup dried cranberries, plus more for garnish
1/2 cup sunflower seeds, plus more for garnish
For the Sweet & Spicy Dressing
1 cup plain, fat-free Greek yogurt
Juice of 1/2 lemon
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp honey
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 1/2 tbsp whole grain mustard
sprinkle of cayenne pepper
salt & pepper
Start by making your dressing. Just put all of the Sweet & Spicy dressing ingredients into a big bowl and whisk ‘em up. Taste and season accordingly. Set aside.
Now it’s time to assemble the salad. Toss your chopped kale, broccoli slaw, and green cabbage together. Add in the little chunks of chicken, the cranberries, and the sunflower seeds. Drizzle the dressing on top and toss it all together.
If you can wait, let the salad sit for 30 minutes or so. It gives the kale a chance to soften up. But, I ate it immediately after tossing (me hungry) and it was delicious!
I’m not lying to you when I say that this salad is crave-worthy. The dressing is tangy, sweet, and a liiittle spicy, and the mustard seeds give it a real kick.
And, besides being delicious, this salad has amazeballs texture. It’s chewy and crunchy and crispy and creamy and munchy and tingly. Or something.
Also, even with the dressing all mixed in, it doesn’t get soggy overnight. Holla to THAT.
And you guys? If you make this, I promise to never tell you a vegetable-related story again. Unless you ask me to, in which case, I totally have three or four stored in my storytelling arsenal.
There once was a tomato with an identity crisis…