Pap smears suck.
Or, in the immortal words of Michael Gary Scott, Pap “schmears” suck. Geez, I wish they were Pap Schmears. It would be a whole lot more pleasant if you could get a garlic and herb flavored Pap! Or like, smoked salmon flavored. Except that’d probably lead to a hoo-ha infection, which is bad, so just don’t listen to anything I say.
I would bet you a billion dollars that you’ve never come across a woman who looks forward to her annual lady doctor appointment. Because honestly, who likes a giant Q-tip jammed up inside of her? Yeah, nobody. That’s who.
Chocolate cravings are a real thing.
It’s not just like, “oh, you know what sounds kind of good? Hmm, maybe some chocolate!” It’s more like “GIVE ME CHOCOLATE, MINIONS, OR I WILL HUNT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DOWN AND BREAK YOUR TOES OFF ONE BY ONE.” It really is that violent, just ask my boyfriend.
One time I went grocery shopping while PMSing and I came home, started unloading my grocery bag, and realized I had bought five different types of chocolate. I’m not exaggerating this just to have a fun anecdote. This is a true story, people. It was like an out-of-body experience.
Kate Moss really wouldn’t be that fun to hang out with.
She just seems boring. She’d totally be one of those friends who would “tsk tsk” at you for eating pizza in your sweatpants all day long. And nobody needs that kind of negativity in life, you know? The only pro of being her friend is that you wouldn’t have to fork-fight her for dessert. That triple chocolate mousse cake is all yours.
Vaginas rule, penises drool.
Georgia freaking O’Keeffe made a career out of painting flowery lady parts. Wanna know why? Because vaginas are pretty. They just are. Penises aren’t. There’s a reason why nobody chooses to paint penis-inspired pictures of nature. It just doesn’t work. It just… doesn’t.
We complain about our stupid long and complex beauty routines, but we actually kind of love it.
No matter how annoying it can get, there’s just something fun about exfoliating, straightening, mascara-ing, nail painting, and beautifying. It’s like an art project, only better, because you can usually get a free drink or two out of it.
An charming man is much more sexy than a physically attractive one.
Case in point: Ryan Gosling. Ladies, sorry to break it to you, but his face really isn’t that rocking. You know it’s true. His sexiness comes from his irresistible, smoldering je ne sais quoi.
Most of the time, no matter how disgusting and annoying, a cat call can be kind of flattering.
Anyone who disagrees is lying. We all love a little external validation. Attention feels good.
We use the term “PMS” as an excuse for being bitch.
If I was actually PMSing the amount of time I claim to be PMSing, my endocrine system would probably explode. I basically use the phrase “PMSing” synonymously with “pissed off.” It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, especially with men.
Rule of thumb, if I tell you I’m PMSing, there’s an 80% chance that I’m not PMSing at all, but I’m really just hungry and/or grumpy and/or sleep-deprived and/or just feeling like a sassy diva. Deal with it.
In the comments: What are your girl truths?