Ultimate Girl Truths

Pap smears suck. 

Or, in the immortal words of Michael Gary Scott, Pap “schmears” suck.  Geez, I wish they were Pap Schmears.  It would be a whole lot more pleasant if you could get a garlic and herb flavored Pap!  Or like, smoked salmon flavored.  Except that’d probably lead to a hoo-ha infection, which is bad, so just don’t listen to anything I say.

I would bet you a billion dollars that you’ve never come across a woman who looks forward to her annual lady doctor appointment.  Because honestly, who likes a giant Q-tip jammed up inside of her?  Yeah, nobody.  That’s who.

Chocolate cravings are a real thing.  

It’s not just like, “oh, you know what sounds kind of good?  Hmm, maybe some chocolate!”  It’s more like “GIVE ME CHOCOLATE, MINIONS, OR I WILL HUNT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY DOWN AND BREAK YOUR TOES OFF ONE BY ONE.”  It really is that violent, just ask my boyfriend.

One time I went grocery shopping while PMSing and I came home, started unloading my grocery bag, and realized I had bought five different types of chocolate.  I’m not exaggerating this just to have a fun anecdote.  This is a true story, people.  It was like an out-of-body experience.

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Kate Moss really wouldn’t be that fun to hang out with.

She just seems boring.  She’d totally be one of those friends who would “tsk tsk” at you for eating pizza in your sweatpants all day long.  And nobody needs that kind of negativity in life, you know?  The only pro of being her friend is that you wouldn’t have to fork-fight her for dessert.  That triple chocolate mousse cake is all yours.

Vaginas rule, penises drool.

Georgia freaking O’Keeffe made a career out of painting flowery lady parts.  Wanna know why?  Because vaginas are pretty.  They just are.  Penises aren’t.  There’s a reason why nobody chooses to paint penis-inspired pictures of nature.  It just doesn’t work.  It just… doesn’t.

We complain about our stupid long and complex beauty routines, but we actually kind of love it. 

No matter how annoying it can get, there’s just something fun about exfoliating, straightening, mascara-ing, nail painting, and beautifying.  It’s like an art project, only better, because you can usually get a free drink or two out of it.

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An charming man is much more sexy than a physically attractive one.

Case in point: Ryan Gosling.  Ladies, sorry to break it to you, but his face really isn’t that rocking.  You know it’s true.  His sexiness comes from his irresistible, smoldering je ne sais quoi.

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I will get in the water, Ryan. I will.

Most of the time, no matter how disgusting and annoying, a cat call can be kind of flattering. 

Anyone who disagrees is lying.  We all love a little external validation.  Attention feels good.

We use the term “PMS” as an excuse for being bitch.

If I was actually PMSing the amount of time I claim to be PMSing, my endocrine system would probably explode.  I basically use the phrase “PMSing” synonymously with “pissed off.”  It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, especially with men.

Rule of thumb, if I tell you I’m PMSing, there’s an 80% chance that I’m not PMSing at all, but I’m really just hungry and/or grumpy and/or sleep-deprived and/or just feeling like a sassy diva.  Deal with it.

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In the comments: What are your girl truths? 

Comments

  1. Ah! At last I’ve found another lady who agrees that Ryan Gosling really isn’t that attractive!! Oh my heavens, I thought I was the only one.

  2. Lol some of these are so true! Sometimes when I get angry or upset with my boyfriend he will point out how illogical I am being and I may realize it when he points it out but instead of backing down I just keep on pushing my crazy point of view ;)

    There is always room for wine and cheese no matter how much has been consumed.

  3. Bahahahaa you certainly don’t hold back, do you? Love these truths! All so true!

  4. Rofl! Oh what a perfect way to start a Monday… Have I told you lately that you rock my socks off? The ones about hating but secretly loving beauty routines and cat calls is all sorts of true. Beautifying feels fabulous, and if I don’t get attention as a result of it, I definitely feel a little insulted.

    One of my other girl truths is that I secretly love chick lit… I’m a big fan of reading in general, but sometimes there’s just nothing quite like some mindless easy reading. Shopaholic, anyone?

  5. Great post girl!!!! I am totally with you on the charming > physical thing. I always say that eventually, maybe not right away, but eventually personality trumps looks. I mean, maybe the guy is a hottiewithabody and that’s great and all initially, but if his personality sucks? Seeeeee ya! On the other hand, there are those guys who, as you get to know them, they appear more attractive with their stellar personalities (or senses of humor, etc.)

    And LOL to the PMS meme at the end — so true.

  6. Totally seconding Ryan Gosling. My friend and I once printed out a blown-up picture of his face and we were just kinda like…ehhhh. But he’s still magnificently hunky (does anyone say hunky nowadays?)…and his abs aren’t too bad either. ;)

    • Also, random side tangent, but I just noticed that you went self-hosted–I’m not sure when that happened (I’m really bad at the whole not-paying-attention-to-things) so apologies if I’m on the late train. But congrats! :)

      • carlyjg says:

        Yes yes yes I did! I’m still working with a blog designer to make it all pretty, but so far, so good… I think. promise to tell me if anything is super effed up?

  7. I can’t even handle the awesomeness of this post. It’s all so true!! Chocolate cravings are absolutely a real thing, if my nightly chocolate habit is any indication. And THANK YOU for admitting that we secretly like catcalls! I will complain about it when it happens, but really walk around with my head a little bit higher afterwards ;-) even if I wouldn’t touch the guy with a ten foot pole!

    • carlyjg says:

      Hahahaha so so true. Sometimes, I get a little bit offended if I’m all dolled up and nobody gives me a whistle. Embarrassing!

  8. hahaha…love it! Chocolate cravings during that time of the month are SO true! This time around, I was craving M&Ms…I couldn’t stop eating them!!!!

  9. You are very funny and I’m glad you know Becky from Olives ‘n Wine…….because if I didn’t follow her blog……I wouldn’t have found yours:)
    I have done this—bought at least 3 types of chocolate at the store……….Target usually……..not every week–and yesterday it was just one bar of dark choc at Whole Foods…….:)
    I agree with the idea or reality of fixing ourselves up……….we want to look better leaving home to go anywhere and why not?

    • carlyjg says:

      Yep, I love Becky!! So glad you found me :). Mmm, now you’re making me hungry for chocolate :). (But really, when am I NOT hungry for chocolate?)

  10. Hahaha, this post is the best.
    And it’s all very much on the true side.
    I will never complain about my beauty routine because I actually full on admit that I love getting ready in the morning. I just love makeup and hair and getting ready in the morning makes me feel about 100 x better.
    Haha, I was seriously nodding my head at each one of these.

  11. LOL. These are so true, especially the PMS one. Not only can you use it to your advantage when you’re just being bitchy, but it goes back to the chocolate thing and just having an excuse to eat an entire bar of it. And Ryan Gosling is just FINE. Same with Channing Tatum, though. They have nice faces, but a majority of the appeal is their roles and… bodies. Mmm.

  12. HAHAHAHHAAHAH – annual lady appointments blow especially when mine always insists on testing me for a list of STDs 10-miles long. Apparently I look slutty to her…

  13. You are so blunt and so funny. I wish we were neighbors so I could witness your hilariousness in real life!!

    • carlyjg says:

      If we’re ever neighbors, I promise to be ridiculous if you promise to be amazing and cook for me. Deal?

  14. a) yes. the chocolate monster is a real thing, I cannot be held accountable for the things it says or does to obtain chocolate.
    b) haha everyone that gets overly insulted by cat calls I’m just like chill the eff out and basque in your own beauty jeez.

  15. Though most of these I can get down with, there is some cat calling that is NEVER ok. I got cat called to the point of fearing for my safety when I would walk home in France…Ugh, it just gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it.

    Then I look at that last pic and chuckle to myself because, hehe, sooo true!!!

  16. Ugh, I hate pap smears! But I like your idea of smoked salmon pap schmears, lol….ew.
    And I agree that Ryan Gosling may not have a perfectly symmetric face but his charm makes him so very sexy.
    All in all, well said!

  17. Haha one of the best posts you’ve written, and I could not agree more about Ryan Gosling!

  18. LOVE

    • Stupid keyboard. Meant to say LOVE this post! I’m also terrified of Paps and can’t even think about it without taking a Xanax. It’s bad.
      And your thoughts on PMS…word! I totally used that excuse all week long!

      • carlyjg says:

        Hahaha I love it. I might need to hop on the gyno/xanax train. I almost feel like they should provide free xanax or tequila shots or something.

  19. So blunt. love you.

    I totes agree with the chocolate. Sometimes I just need everyone to MOVE OUT OF THE WAY so I can have my chocolate <3

  20. Baha, love this and I love your honesty!! I especially agree with the PMS excuse! ;)

  21. bahahaha this was hilarious. I have a pap smear appointment for Friday…now I’m going to be thinking about my preferred flavor of sriracha!

  22. Hahaha so much truth to this, hallelujah!

  23. I’m laughing out loud over here. My dogs are giving me weird looks :) love it! Especially the chocolate part!

  24. I just tried to have a conversation with my boyfriend tonight about which I hated the most: dentist appointments of OBGYN appointments. Needless to say, he didn’t have much to add….

  25. AMEN! Preach it sistah!! And I just want you to know that I am SO thankful the man-friend decided to do a spur of the moment (thank God it’s HIS) home project right now so I didn’t have to explain while I about pissed my pants reading your intro paragraph! Lmao! Omg, I’ve gotten so behind on blog reading lately because I’ve just felt so tired (and a bit defeated since my blog has been broken for over a WEEK now and I can’t post…and yeah, I WOULD like a little cheese with my wine, preferably of the blue variety…with a little balsamic glaze! ;)), BUT I always forget how much I love reading certain blogs…like yours! Because you always make me laugh and help me get away from how sucky life can be sometimes! Thanks girl! xoxo

    • Gahh, I feel you on the blog thing. Sometimes it just gets stressful and it’s nice to take a step back. AND I think you NEED some cheese in your life right now. And some wine. And some whine, because everyone deserves a good whine now and again ;).

      You are seriously making me giddy with these sweet compliments, especially because YOUR blog cracks me UP every single time I read it. Xoxo!

  26. dying laughing.. so freakin true!

  27. I found this post via Running With Spoons and man (poor choice of words) am I glad I did. So freakin’ funny and spot on true. If there is a woman out there who enjoys a pap, then there’s something seriously wrong with them. You had me rolling.
    My girl truth: I feel no shame for watching and enjoying the Housewives of every County.

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