Finals Brain [fahyn-ls breyn]:
1. The feeling that somebody came and shook your brain up like a GD polaroid picture, so everything you know is all over the place and you can’t figure out what’s going on in life.
2. The stress-induced (totally legitimate) condition in which you start doing stupid things, like forgetting to wash yesterday’s lunch out of the tupperware.
Example: Dayum, that girl just ate the Milky Way with the wrapper on! And she’s still eating it! She must have a gnarly case of Finals Brain.
Synonyms: Post-Vacation Brain; 50-Hour Work Week Brain; Two Kids Under Age 5 Brain
Trust me. Finals Brain is real. And I have it like a week earlier than I should. Shit.
Luckily, I’ve come up with a definitive list (as told by Parks and Rec gifs) so you can figure out if you have Finals Brain too. And watch out, because I’m pretty sure it’s contagious.
You might have Finals Brain if…
1. Not showering seems like a great, practical time saver. (“Showering takes, like, 8 minutes! There’s so much I could do with that time! I could make at least twelve flashcards! I could pack tomorrow’s lunch! I could take a nap! Yeah, I’m definitely skipping my shower. Why don’t I always do this?!”)
2. When you’re microwaving your frozen dinner, you have to pull the box out of the bin at least three times, because you keep looking at the cooking directions and then immediately forgetting them.
3. You put your underwear on backwards.
4. You start having crazy dreams. For example, you might have a dream that you’re leaving your friends’ house to walk to your car, and they all walk you out because you’re scared, and then there’s this group of men who jump you and beat you up one by one, and you try to call the cops secretly but the cops won’t come and IT’S SO SO ANNOYING AND SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING. Just a random example…
5. Your regular shit-eating grin turns into a perpetual bitch face
6. Your regular friendly, bright eyes get all cross-eyed and twitchy and red and angrily narrowed.
7. You forget that caffeine gives you heart palpitations so naturally you drink exorbitant amounts of it until you feel like you can’t breathe.
8. Your definition of “cooking” becomes “microwaving” and your definition of “clean eating” becomes “anything that isn’t Doritos and fast food.”
9. You see an email in your inbox that you forgot to respond to, so you respond to it. Then, a few hours later, you see another email in your inbox that you forgot to respond to, so you respond to it. Then, a few hours later, you realize it was the same email.
10. You find yourself stuck in an endless loop of checking Facebook, checking Instagram, checking Twitter, and checking to see if Google has a fun new logo. Over and over and over again. And you can’t possibly stop because the alternative is coming back to reality and focusing on important things like studying and doing laundry.
11. You forget how to form sentences, either verbally or written, so you have to repeat them in your head a few times before you say them
12. Rationality becomes a very foreign concept. Like, you might start crying if your shower doesn’t heat up fast enough.
13. Common courtesy also becomes a foreign concept. Don’t these people know you’re too crazy to be polite?!
14. You lose all concept of time, and minutes feel like hours, but days also feel like hours. Mind fuck!
15. You forget why you’re writing this list… What were we talking about?
Finals Brain is real, but cures include ice cream (ideally eaten out of the container), ALL the Netflix, and probably showering. I’m not sure about that last one though… I haven’t tried it.
IN THE COMMENTS:
What’s your version of “Finals Brain?”
How do you know if you’re suffering from Finals Brain?